This is the only way that I can express my honest sentiments. Those around me generally ask that I suppress them, as they do not wish to entertain such notions. I suppose this is the price I must pay for residing within the reality that most of us desperately try to ignore, the one our institutions try to save us from by offering their own distinctive brand of solace. If only what they offered were capable of remedying a nihilistic perception.
My disposition makes this existence practically intolerable. It’s nothing short of a detriment to both my mental and physical health. It has made me incompatible with a world in which institutionalization is a prerequisite for survival. I place the majority of my value on the limited time that I have, which is why trading so much of it for so little return is no longer a viable option for me. A nomadic lifestyle would be ideal, but a large portion of my happiness stems from those I care for, and unfortunately none of them would never consider joining me.
I have considered ending my life prematurely, but all things considered, the grave really isn’t all that far away. Why drive when the destination is only a 5 minute walk? I may as well experience what I can and make the most of it while I’m here. If my story consists of nothing but distress then so be it. I will embrace it for what it is. It’s just a shame that I’ve had my fill after only 25 years.
If only I knew what to do with the time that remains. For the past few years, all I’ve been capable of doing is spectating. Observing as things unfold on a cosmic, human, and subatomic level. It leaves me in a constant state of awe, but frustration begins to settle the moment that I’m aware of the fact that while all of this is occurring, I’m figuratively standing still. I continue playing music despite the fact that my passion for it is all but gone. It provides an adequate distraction from the thought of being a composition of atoms clinging onto a tiny rock without reason as it speeds through nothingness at 47,000 mile per hour which is, out of all the possibilities, the best case scenario. Maybe it’s not the music itself that is the source of relief, but the people I’m fortunate enough to create it with. Either way, a reliable vice is worth its weight in gold to a man like myself.
If only my occupation could provide me with a positive distraction. It would be convenient considering how much of my time it takes up. The tasks themselves are usually mundane enough to achieve the desired results, but those around me insist on being disruptive with their need to enforce fictitious regulations which have no direct bearing on the job itself. In saying that, what more can I expect from a species that believes that appearance and professionalism are synonymous with one another? I’m sure they’re aware that the quality of my work won’t decline if I’m not wearing a tie, but to survive in this world you must cater to everybody else’s twisted perception. What choice do I have other than to concede? As illusory as their reality may be, I nonetheless remain a slave to it. The institutionalized run the world, and they are not so forgiving towards the animated seeds of disenchantment.
Regardless of my dislike for certain human constructs and my inability to abide by them, I of all people can appreciate the need for them. Especially considering how much I benefit from language, time, currency and conventional morality, just to name a few. I can’t demonize human ingenuity when it’s the only reason our species has progressed as far as it has. As Voltaire once said, “If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him”. What kind of state would this world be in without the concept of morality? Where would we be without the fabricated values and reasons these structures provide? How could we convince anyone to get out of bed each morning and contribute if they believed it was pointless? If there were no means for one to attain perceived significance and validation, then you’d end up with a species which has no reason to strive for anything. I like my coffee, so I for one am glad that the barista has been given enough reason to make it for me.
I, on the other hand, ache for a life that no occupation can bring to fruition. I work in order to help pay the rent, but with my desire to live out in the open, that’s not really much of an incentive. I love my girlfriend, but on a bad day, It’s easy to forget why I’m at work in the first place. I can’t blame her for wanting a conventional lifestyle and a modest level of comfort. It’s the same standard of living that I considered to be indispensable until the existential threat tore my reality asunder. Only when I come home to her can I reflect and consider the torment I experienced throughout the day worth enduring. I refuse to dehumanize her by referring to her as a distraction, but she definitely takes my mind off things.
The rest of my wage generally goes towards the coffee and cigarettes I need in order to get through each shift. A vicious cycle indeed.
Food and water are the only basic necessities that come to mind, and I don’t need to work 40 hours a week to be able to afford them. True survival would provide the ultimate distraction, there is no doubt. I’ll just have to try my best to be appreciative of the fact that I’ve been able to obtain the luxuries I have without expending a great deal of time and effort. Regrettably, my outlook won’t allow such a thought to pass through my mind unchallenged.
If only I could convince my partner to live a nomadic lifestyle alongside me. I can’t blame her for being reluctant. Our bed is extremely comfortable, she loves good food, and there’s no way to watch Game of Thrones without a TV. She’s worth compromising for, just as my friends and family are. I just need to figure out how to make the nihilism subside when I’m alone with my thoughts.